There’s Gold in Them There Hills

November

22 #570 Sneak-a-Peak & Sleazy Rider

29 #571 Mystery Hare

December

6 #572 Butt Nutt & Breaststroke

13 #573 Niplets

20 #574 Bullshit & MC Hasher

Run # 569 November 15, 1997

Hares: Asspacker & Short Stump

Venue: Brookhaven Park

Good little doggies: Rat’s Ass, Afterbirth, Dr. Doo Doo, Go Blow, Cheetah, MC Hasher, Whiner, Back Seat Box, Minnie Brew, Bullshit, Beavis, Catamite, Mall Shark, Kerry Durant (3x), Byte Me, Cums Collect, Hog Heaven, Lou Beasley (2x), Fergie Dick, Jill Asper (3x), On the Rag, Kaptain Krash, Whore Moan, Butt Nutt, Skippy Dick, Put a Cock In It, Cumcierge, Slippery When Wet, Redeye, Crotchrocket.

Dear Mom,

How are you? I am fine.

I know, you can’t believe it … your son is actually writing a letter to his mother, and it’s not even bad news. In fact, it’s good news – a hash worth writing home about.

It didn’t originally forebode well, though. I had already planned on being out of town, full well knowing that Asspacker was the hare. But that trip fell through, so I got good and drunk and talked myself into going.

It’s a good thing too, about the drinking part I mean, ‘cause it was colder than a witch’s titty in a brass bra (oops, sorry about the language there, Ma) and I needed all the antifreeze I could get. Then the damn (sorry again) hares were late, so we sat around in the parking lot even longer than usual. Some of us had sex just to keep warm … hey, just putting to use those survival tricks as taught to me in the Boy Scouts … I’m sure you understand.

Hold on for a minute … Testiclees (that would be Jeff to you, Mom) is giving me a beer. Thanks buddy. Oh yeah, that’s better.

So, where wuz I.

OK, so the hares finally show up (tardy little fuckers) and point us in the direction of Oglethorpe University. The pack moves out with much apathy, and as lethargic as a 90-year old man who hasn’t had his prune juice.

(Brappppp) Mmm, veggie burrito. Hey, Jeff! Another beer, bitte schoen. I‘ve been drifting along in the same stale old shoes. Loose ends tied in a noose in the back of my mind.

Whoa, maybe I shouldn’t have shotgunned that last one. Anyways, me and Whore Moan were runnning around this one check near some school on the backside of Uglythrop, and of course true trail skirted private property until coming into the running trails there on Ooniversty property.

I’m back. Damn squirrels.

I ended up jumping a fence, runnign roads a bit with Cheetah (he’s that fast fucker I’ve been telling you about), and then ending up somehow near Silver Lake. You remember Silver Lake, don’t you … that’s where the cops picked you and Dad up for skinnydipping.

The hares redeeemed themselvs with a beer stop after the lake, whick made most of us happy. Hell, I kn ow I had at lest two. Speking of which … Jeff! Bring me another goddamn beer! Anyhoo, trail crossd over Ashfuck Dunwoody and Got Your Big Johnson Right Here Ferry Roads, went through some woods that Bullshit and I are going to buy and turn into big ol housing develupmnts, and then out into Chambeee City Park.

Aw hell, you don’t giv a rat’s patoot about any of this, so I’ll jus cut to the end, which was at Asspacker’s house … go figure. It was still cold as shit, so being the pyros that we are, we set fire to his house. Kept us wrm until the stupid poleece and firetrucks showd up.

Down-dwons were qick … MC and Whiner are getin hitched, Cattlemite was a fashun geek, Cums Collect pissed on the fire and al most put it out, RedeyE was DFL, Bullshitt recited some poem he made up, the hares got themselvs a hassshiit for being late at the strt. Don’t gt me rong … it was a grate fukin trial … that’s prart of why we gave em the hashit. Anywya, wat I wanted to tel you was that while no one wus looking, I drank my own donw=down, bcaus I could.

Then cam the goood prt … cumcierge and pAciii cooked some kickass food for us and Assspecker gave it ot us for free. Brats, beens, rice, wings, too kinds of kake. Egcelent shit.

That waz the onononon, so we kinda hung around there for awile. Then I wnet home and slepd. You wold’ve been pruod of me taking a nap like th,t. Ok, gootta go now byby. Say hay to dad and al those other peeple that I know.

Love an d kssess: RatS Assss