Run 518, Noverber 16th, 1996


The Hashional Enquirer Because Drunken Minds Want to Know!

Locals Report Cult Gathering Near Lithonia

Local authorities were notified when several concerned citizens reported what appeared to be cult-like activities at the Evans Wood Shopping Center at Evans Mill Road and I-20.

The gathering of approximately 35 strangely attired people, calling themselves "hashers", commenced around 2:15 pm and broke up about a half hour later. According to witnesses, the pack was mesmerized by the one they called "Niplets" as he told the tale of the journey on which they were about to embark.

Another, named "Rat's Ass", apparent leader of these miscreants, left symbolic drawings on the pavement, including and . Police are still investigating these marks, as they have been spotted throughout the greater metro Atlanta area.

Though blowing whistles and yelling boisterously, the pack mysteriously vanished into the woods off East Glen Road. "Newest Cult - Friend or Foe?" see p. 12

New HashShit Record!

PineLake is proud to announce that the current holders of the HashShit award, Cumcierge et al., have now surpassed 7 months without being unseated! How about a big hand!

Carnivorous Briars Attack Eclectic Runners

Over the years, the PineLake Hash House Harriers have dealt with adverse running conditions, including poison ivy, creek crossings, unfriendly neighbors (with shotguns no less), shiggy to die for, and yes, even briars. Nothing, however, prepared them for the horror they encountered in the woods near Pole Creek.

Upon entering the woods off East Glen Road, a clear wide trail greeted the intrepid hashers. After a CB7 foiled the attempts of FRBs Bubbles, and virgins Chip Kohlweiler and Jamie McClung, true trail was found heading south towards Joels Lake and into briar hell.

Reports of briars attacking the runners seemed greatly exaggerated, but were soon confirmed by this reporter. Testiclees noticed he was limping after pulling himself free from one particularly nasty vine, only to finally realize that his right foot had been severed. Tired Dick fought valiantly to keep his faithful hound Clayton from being snatched. Butt Nutt, however, was never seen again.

The motto "It wasn't a good hash unless you bled" was taken to the limits this day. Those who lived to tell about it have been scarred, both mentally and physically, for life.

For more harrowing tales, turn to "Them's Big Ass Briars!" on p. 7

Dinosaur Graveyard Found Near Joels Lake

A group of local runners, lost in the wilderness near Lithonia, stumbled upon what appears to be the first dinosaur graveyard ever discovered above ground. Remarkably, the bones found were in excellent condition.

Unfortunately, two of the best specimens were pilfered by thieves, according to witnesses. Known only by their gang names, Ding Dong and Dr. Doo Doo are wanted by the police for questioning. The discovery of these bones could very well solve the long unanswered mystery, "Did dinosaurs live among humans, and did they drink premium beer?"

"Beerosaurus" continued on p. 14

Ancient Ceremony Honors Bizarre Deeds

The same group of runners reportedly ran willy-nilly through the woods and neighborhoods around East Rock Port and Rock Springs Road, before heading over to the high hills of Chaparral.

After crossing Klondike Road, their trail wound through more woods and paths until coming upon the tree harvesting site off Hayden Quarry Road. The pack was "On-In" at a granite shelf, which was the perfect setting for ancient ritual known as "Down-Downs".

DOWN-DOWNS

Virgins Kerstin Weis, Chip Kohlweiler, and Jamie McClung; too-long-between-hashes Moons For Money, Tripod, and Bubbles; new Green Beret Tired Dick; newly married (and too-long and new truck) Holy Dick; taking it all the way to the Supreme Court Puddles; running with dinosaur bones Ding Dong and Dr. Doo Doo; racist and gray hair finder Andrea Barbian; CNN celebrity Ouch; DFL Butt Nutt; and of course, the hare Niplets.

This reporter is dismayed by the fact that a staff photographer was not available to document the proceedings, during which DD and DDD displayed their prowess with their bones. The good Doctor was even able to set his Down-Down beer on top of his artifact. "And he may be joy to his mother..." took on a whole new meaning as the Dongster and the Doo Man went boning after Kaptain Krash and Shiggy Pitts upon their baring their asses.

Beer-Drinking Club Snubs Party Keg

"Free Beer!" proclaimed Bubbles, Chip, and Jamie, as they loaded a keg into the beer/bag truck. Left over from a Friday night party, the keg was offered to PH3 for the On-In festivities. Most were jubilant to see that it wasn't the usual Shitz, Milwaukee's Beast, or Buttwiper, and rejoiced the heralded trio.

That adoration was short-lived, as the keg sat untouched in the back of the truck at the end of the run. The Guinness Book of World Records has been notified that on this day, Saturday, November 16, 1996, hashers left a keg untouched. Bow your heads in shame.


Scribe: Rat's Ass